Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
