Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
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