just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.