We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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