ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
