So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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