I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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