i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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