Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
