I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
