Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
