if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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