Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
