I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
