Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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