New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
