i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
