Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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