I just cut my nipple shaving
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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