My room smells like vodka and shame
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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