I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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