What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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