my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
