im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
