he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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