Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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