spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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