So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
