I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
