My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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