Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
