I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
