Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My dick has a subreddit
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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