I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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