I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
