Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize