Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I came so hard my ears popped.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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