I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
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Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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