I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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