I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
