Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
