I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
