I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
