my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
