yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
