Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
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I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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