I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Two words: blizzard sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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