when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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