In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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