but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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