also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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