shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
