Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
